Brain Gremlins and Comparison Monsters

x-posted from the comm, since I thought you might want to share it with a friend without make them jump through the sign up hoops.

Helllllloooooo, lovelies.

It was both a really good and a really difficult weekend over here in Effyland. Some tender interpersonal stuff came up which, thankfully, got addressed and repaired, but you know me. Anything interpersonal can take a lot out of me. Add to that the ongoing worry I carry for my kids, plus the world continuing to world all over the place, and by the time Sunday morning rolled around, I was done. I rescheduled our A Softer World live (we're going to do Summer Solstice together), logged off the socials, and set myself down at the painty table.

I put on Brandi Carlile at the Gorge from 2021, and then 2022, because apparently I needed a full-on five hour musical intervention, and I let her and her cohort yell-sing my soul back into my body. I sang along badly and out of tune. I chair danced. I made a complete nuisance of myself in the privacy of my own studio, which is one of the sacred perks of living alone.

And while all of that was happening, I worked on a painting for my half of The Fairy & The Witch (COMING SOON!!)

That might not have been the smartest move. Let me explain.

This is Tam's version, which my brain and heart were full of when I sat down to work on mine, because HOW COULD IT NOT BE?! LOOK AT IT!

It's so beautiful! Loose, skilled, painterly, and so gorgeously Tam.

And then there was mine.

Ugh.

CUE THAT THIEF OF JOY, COMPARISON.

Don't you love it when you push yourself intentionally out of your comfort zone, only to look up and see some annoyed looking brain gremlin with a clipboard and a clicky pen and the world's worst attitude standing there yelling things like “You're never going to rise to Tam's level. WHY ARE YOU EVEN TRYING?"

Thanks a lot, you horrible little brain gremlin.

I fought with the colour palette. I fought with getting the jar to look somewhat symmetrical. I fought with the light. Where did it come from? How should it land on the jar? How does one even paint that? What am I doing? OH MY GOD DOOOOOOOOOM. Every addition felt worse than the last and it got to the point where all I could think was "People are going to watch this. They're going to watch Tam make an absolute masterpiece and then, they're going to come over here and watch me make a million missteps and a big mess..."

And that was it for me. I knew what I had to do.

I stopped filming. I took a few deep breaths. I took a progress shot so I could explain in the video that I was stopping here FOR REASONS, but that I worked on it off camera, and then I let the tender wee beastie that I am have some privacy while I figured it out.

And I finished it on my own.

This feels important to tell you for two reasons.

First, comparison happens. Even after years of making art. Even when you know better. Even when you teach this stuff.

And, there's no sense in telling ourselves to never compare our work to someone else's. Good luck with that, my dudes. We are human beings living in a world full of other human beings making beautiful things. We're going to compare. What we can do, though, is notice when comparison has entered the room, and let it become the friend that shows you where you want to improve or what skills you want to acquire, BUTANDALSO, refuse to let the gremlin stand there, clicking its damned pen at you while saying rude things.

Nod at it. Say, "That's okay. I'm still learning. What do I love about this? Where might I go to learn how to do this thing I don't know how to do? And no, you may not stand there clicking your damned pen at me. You're supposed to be on my side. Get with the program!"

Boom. Gremlin morphs into art fairy godmother, and now you're cooking.

The second thing might only be applicable to those of us who teach or promote our work via recordings of our making, but let me share it anyway: filming yourself while you're trying something very much outside your comfort zone might not be the kindest thing you can do for yourself. Especially, and I can't stress this enough, when you're already in a bit of a worn out, vulnerable place.

LESSON VERY MUCH LEARNED.

Anyway, I don't know if the piece is finished or not. I'm letting it percolate, but what matters is I caught myself in the act of being really unkind and ungentle with myself, and I pivoted, and that is a teaching moment I'll include in my first episode of The Fairy & The Witch (COMING SOON OMG SO EXCITED!).

✨ Cosmic Weather For Art Witches

Today we’re under a Last Quarter Moon in Pisces, which feels pretty aligned with my current desire to let my feelings move through me without letting them drive the bus into a ditch.

Last Quarter Moon energy nudges us to do a review, and consider what we want to release, integrate, or correct. It asks us to look at what has happened, what we’ve learned, what we’re still dragging around. Pisces adds all the feels, and you may be feeling the need for spiritual/emotional rinsing. Together, this is beautiful weather for letting art help you metabolize what you’ve been carrying.

For the art witch, this is not “make a masterpiece” weather. This is “make a place for the feelings to go” weather. Put on music that opens the door. Work with watercolour, ink, soft pencil, scribble writing, collage, or whatever medium lets you move without overthinking. Let the page be a bowl. Let the painting be a jar. Let the journal hold what you don’t need to keep carrying in your body.

This is also excellent weather for sending the comparison monster to the corner. Pisces can make us extra sensitive to outside influence, so HEAD DOWN DO YOUR OWN WORK. Yes, I'm yelling that at myself. Yes, you may laugh at me. :)

🕯️ Today’s Tiny Spell

Choose one piece of art that is currently in progress, unresolved, awkward, half-feral, or in the ugly teenage phase.

Put on a playlist or album that makes you feel most like yourself.

Light a candle if that's your jam. Touch the work to let it know you're there.

Then make one small move. Add one line. Deepen one shadow. Glue one scrap. Add one highlight. Scribble one truth in the background. Do not try to fix the whole thing. Just make one loving move toward it.

Say to yourself: "Everything is progress."

That’s it. Tiny spell complete.

✨ What’s Happening Around Here

For my Moonshiners, your replay of Saturday's live is going up in a few hours. It's edited, but it has to convert out of Final Cut Pro. If you’re not in there yet, and you've been feeling the tug to join us, you still can. Use coupon code MOON for a steep af discount.

✨ Leave A Little Love

If you've ever had the experience of comparison swiping at your ankles, tell me what helps you come back to yourself. Music? Movement? A walk? A good cry? A messy journal page? A tiny nap with a dog pressed against your hip?

Leave a heart or a comment so I know you’re out there.

Pinky Links. 🖤🐦‍⬛🌿